Shesh wierd dreams put my days off :(  So in my dream I was taken abck to when I was about 15...but I was still me at 25.  Anyhow it was wierd because it litterally was like I was there...obviously it was a dream, but my memories played out old scenarios though I was currently myself...understanding that I had been taken back in time...incredibly wierd, but just the circumstances and the memories that played out kind of set me off...I hate remeniscing on sleeping issues that are the should a, coulda, woulda's....even if it was in a dream...just very odd, strangley familiar, somewhat comforting and terrifying memories...not that they ruined my day, but just put me in a place I don't want to be....places and memories that I'd rather not visit or even pay any attention to...things that I'd rather just let go and die. 

So a super shout out to my girls who made my b-day incredible...not that they'll read this but they truly made my day special and saved it from disaster...and had they not been there it would have ended badly as every other year goes...but for the moment I can say it was a good day with some bad hiccups, but not enough to take my shine away :)

....oh and fuck you and your selfish ass.  You better start figuring shit out fast because even though I know I am going to either have to accept this shitty ass lazy forgetfulness or ignore it soon I'm going to get tired of dealing with it and it's just going to be over...because like she said at the end of the day if you can't do something so simple you don't deserve me...and I WILL find someone who does...cause right now you haven't proved shit and if it really took you a day and a half to write 3 simple sentances we have a problem that's far beyond the basics.

..............................................FUCK.......................................................

I really need a cigarette...you know as patient as I am and have been trying to be it's becoming increasingly hard....I'm living a separate fucking life.  I guess i'm now realizing this fact and though I've told myself that I need to live my own life it's reciprocated to me...so what's the point?  What is the point of investing so much of yourself into something when there are no benefits?  If I have to live a life separate from something I've invested my whole self into what's the point?  My head hurts from this.  My heart hurts from this....and I''m annoyed.  Positive and happy got thrown the fuck into the backseat right now.  I'm over it all.  I'm always over it all...I always say that and it's stupid and childish, but I really don't understand what the point is anymore...anytime this gets turned into an arguement it's a tit for tat game and I hate that...i do this; well you do this....it's bullshit.  What it comes down to is that everything I have invested into this is for nothing...it all makes me feel like shit, it puts 80% of the load on me and all I ever am is bitter about this all.  It may be time to put on the big girl pants and face reality...if I'm living my life separately maybe it's time to separate myself...what else do I do?  Continue to be continually bitter, unhappy and constantly irritated (because I have to play fake nice).  Continue to do all I do for fucking nothing....that's right nothing...because if you think about it logically I'm getting the shit end of the stick...................FUCK

Seriously one of the things I hate the most in life is being told something and then (not too long later) being told another story...hey asshole I'm not stupid and I have an extensive memory and what you told me this morning is different from what you're telling me now...so why bother switching the story?  It can't just be a case of forgetful error because for the last week you've had the same story until now....fuck you for thinking i'm stupid like that...this isn't what I need right now...ugh.  And then on top of this you tell me to relax...again fuck you...even though I want to reach through my computer right now I slapped on a smiley face and turned the conversation around with a painstaking chipper attitude and smile...though I want to blugeon something right now.

I had a pretty bad dream last night that made me feel on edge...and I remember in the dream just telling myself to wake up because I knew it wasn't real...kind of set me off today and put me in a wierd mood.  I'm tired of people bickering around me, I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the middle...I think it's time for some space from people in general...I'm too tired to deal with everyone and their bullshit (I have enough bullshit that isn't voluntary to deal with).

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...ok no that I got that out I feel better.  Every day keeps giving me new things to be frustrated over, but on a postive note (<---see positive) today is a fairly decent day.  I'm kind of caught in the middle of so many different things between my work and my personal life and I'm tired.  I hate the fact that some people are too disrespectful and hipocritical to keep their mouths shut.  I hate how other people think that they know everything and therefore should automatically be respected for that knowledge. I hate how some people expect to have their hand held when they do everything....apparently I hate lots of things.  So i'm just going to continue to run my nice little list here so that I feel better.

I hate people who are overly judgemental...especially when they really have no room to be that way.  I hate when people think they're better than me because of my choices in life.  I hate how some people are too blind or stupid to get a point.  I hate how some people say they see all sides, but really their side is the only one they see and care about.  I hate lizards who harass me at my job.  I hate addicted video gamers (put the console down jackass).  I hate how I never have actual time to do things for myself.  I hate how I have to make special arrangements for people in my life.  I hate how I have to work so hard most days (though I appreciate what my boss gives me).

I hate hate...though it seems as though I really may love hate...anywho at least some good friends have planned a killer b-day trip for me so I have some positive to look forward to.

So it was a really really long and tiring weekend...and I spent too much time in the sun, thus making me a cranky ass bitch.  I've decided anything longer than 3 hours in the sun and it's unhealthy....and those who know me know that I don't willingly sit outside and tan, but I got comfy on a super comfy raft in a pool drinking Margaritas all day on Saturday :-D  And even after 3 coats of Sunscreen I still burned....stupid sun!

Today is a pretty decent day, but I found out 2 co-workers are being let go...which means more work for me...and it makes me sad cause I feel bad their being let go...though my boss did say that he beleives I'm worth well more than what I'm paid and once we get some money coming in I get a raise....so yea me!  I had some great times this weekend...and some interesting once and some very trying ones...the whole positive thing is going ok...I have noticed that it is making things a lot easier for me, so I guess that means progress.  It is however incredibly tiring to be that positive all the time...but I'm trying.  I've been trying not to let things build up and I'm trying to keep up with the writing cause it helps release a lot of my frustrations...yea thats right computer take my wrath like the little bitch you are :)

So to end on a positive note today is ok and hopefully tomorrow will be ok as well....one can only hope

Ok so this whole being nice all the time thing i starting to wear on me...not that being nice naturally is a big deal, but being nice when others are being less than is proving to be difficult...it's making physically tired...if someone is being a bitch or a dick to me  I should have every right to not be so nice...but I have to continue or all this work is for nothing....all of today is wearing on me.

Other than today I felt the need to write about respect...and the lack of it that I receive from some people....at the end of the day I am a grown ass adult, I work my ass off and I make sure my shit is handled.  So when I ask for my wishes to be respected I expect that to happen...and my wishes are really easy...so when I'm disrespected in such a manor I get really irritated...really really irritated, but I was good about this...

I'm just terribly over today...I sat in the sun too long and I'm tired...and now I'm being terribly irritated by ignorance...fuck.  I just need to go to bed.

 

Ok, so I felt compelled to write again.  I find this whole option #2 scenario playing outn easier with a support system...and though it pains me to be overly fake nice it is a lot easier than being constantly angry.  So I think I need to keep focusing on the positive if I want things to get better...which I do; whole heartedly.  After talking to a good friend about all this mess I felt better...they see where I'm comming from and they get why I feel the way I do, but rather than just egg me on they offered the same piece of mind I'm trying to come to terms with...if I do all this to make things better and they don't get better than at the end of the day I did put effort into it and I will know that there is no helping the situation get better; at that point it comes out to be out of my control.  The oposite side of that is that I continue to do what I'm doing and things do get better and along the way I find my center again and learn to let things go...which in the past I used to be really good with, but got progressively worse with over the years.  Honestly when it comes down to it I know not to sweat the small things, but it doesnt mean I don't fall victim to that anyways.  I know it takes far more energy to be angry than it is to shirk things off, but at the same time I don't like backing down...and yes I know this is that damn stubborn trait in me.  I did talk with my parents last night too and they agreed, but they also agree that at the end of the day I have to do what's best for me...and sometimes I forget what's best for me.  I just need to keep a common goal in mind and take it one step at a time.

It's funny cause I took sime time to look back at some really old posts and I can see where my faults just shine right on through...I would sware I was and to some extent still am some rambling tortured teenager...which obviously from deep rooted past history I am, but I make a concious decision everyday to be a better person; a stronger person...which sometimes I confuse with being cold and stubborn.  Wriitng evrything down has made me feel better...even though playing fake nice has made me mad a couple times, I feel better about myself...I don't feel so bogged down with the wieght of all these trivial things...don't get me wrong I still have things and 3 days of playing stupid hasnt fixed anything, but if I take it one day at a time and continue to release the energy I thnk as a person I'll get better...even beyond this mess I think no matter what happens I'm on the right path to being stronger for the future...cause I know I can't be like this forever.  So at least today is a pretty good day minus this mornings side note....although that was highly amuaing and doesnt anger me.  I think today I need to make a goal chart for myself...perhaps I'll even post it here...probably not, but just a little something with some attainable goals that I can meet and some that I'm gonna really have to work at.

....so ok, I need to move on from one topic to another because it's become more prevalent right now.  So after 3 years of not talking to someone; they contact me....now the situation with the person is that they were doing something stupid and unlike their other friends I still supported them, but the second I expressed concern....and yes it was concern and not judgement; I was told to fuck off...so I returned the favor.  So we havent spoken in 3 years and they message me...which is far more amusing than anything. So i respond to them letting them know i'm confused why they're even talking to me and that they're told me to fuck off and really I dont need this in my life...so the response to me was that my reality is warped and I told tehm to fuck off and that they werent trying to start a freindship or make peace.......um ok, so then why did you write me in the first place???  I know you werent just bored and though to yourself, maybe I should say hi...really?!  So I unleashed the beast in the most positive way i could...cause we all know that my being negative about anything right now isnt gonna help anything...so I basically recount the events that happend leading up to this blow out (just to remind them cause they are ever so forgetfull) and politely tell them they are a bad person...which in some ways made me feel good for standing my ground and in some made me sad beccause I really did miss this friend...but the bottom line is that my priorities require me to keep as much chaos and drama away as possible...I have enough without adding to the pile.

Through this whole ordeal...and yes it is certainly an ordeal...I have learned lots of things.  I have learned that some people will never grow up, some cannot accept criticism of any kind, toxic people intoxicate others and most importantly as much as you miss someone sometimes it's best to let them go...when I made the decision 3 years ago (almost to the date) to return the favor of telling them to fuck off I knew I had to let them go and this was really hard because we were really close...we had been through a lot together and it broke my heart...but I knew deep down things would never change with them and if I didn't cut the cord I would have gone down with them eventually...and yes it does make me sad because I held this person in such high regards and I fought against the world for them when no one else would...because I'm that kind of person...to be told in the end to fuck off...to feel like one of the few who were let into my world turned against me so viciously because they could not accept the fact that they were wrong...childish, silly &  arrogant....that's what the whole thing was...so again I've had to stand my ground becaue they proved that they had not change and probably never will with their response.

I don't hve room in my life for people like that...nor do I have the time.  I really do strive to be a better person because that's te only way to grow, but I guess some people don't see the bigger picture and that's out of my control...and so are they and I cannot fight for them the way I once did...because I have to fight for other things now.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK ,FUCK, FUCK...I really just want to scream right now.  I'm doing everything I was supposed to do....FUCK!

 

ps-I hate the carls jr commerical with Audrina Patridge in it