Ok, so I'm reverting back to my old ways to use lyrics as a title....if you don't like it fuck off...not that it matters.

So after a long talk last night with the bestie it comes down to 1 of 2 options: I either cut my loses and move on or try to help fix things (even though this option very well may kill me)...then of course it's never just that simple because now it gets broken down even further...If I choose to cut my losses I have to think of all the reprocautions that come with that...which include but is not limited to: mental health, personal well being, financial situation and a whole other slew of shit I'm not willing to deal with.  Option 2 of trying to help fix things involves my being fake nice for the next 3 months...which for those who know me very well may kill me.  I'm not good at being fake nice because I don't beleive in lying to people, but if I have any chance of making things better I'm going to have to...in other words I'm going to have to mentally check out for the next 3 months...and it's 3 months because thats the time i've alloted before I DO cut my losses and move on...but I'm basically going to have to smile and play susy sunshine...I'm not terribly great at that, but I guess unless I'm willing to deal with option 1 I have no choice...and option 2 it is....which I've been doing all day...and even started last: Playing Susy Fucking Sunshine and smiling while doing it (although I am grinding my teeth and I'm not pleased)...under normal circumstances playing stupid and being nice is no big deal...as long as at the end of the tunnel there is light (and not one coming from a train heading right towards me).  I get none of this...I don't get the small little things that make all the bad dissapear so it's hard to focus on good when all I get is bad.  This is why it may kill me to be nice when I'm constantly receiving negative...but again unless I'm willing to go with option #1 right now (which really i'm not because i've invested in this) I have to do it this way...so basically what i've decided to do is to create a life again...I know wierd consept right?  I will just make sure I make plans so that I'm not home and bored and that I have plenty of things to keep me busy without being bitchy about it...I will mak sure that everything is handled beforehand so there is nothing leftover to do and I will put a smile on for 16 hours a week....I mean thats less time than I spend at work so I guess I can do that right?  It doesn't matter cause either way this all goes I'll make it out just fine...I always do, but I'd rather ot take that ugly road.

So I guess it's been a solid 2 years since I've written anything...got caught up in life.  Now I gues this is more for a self medicating need to vent out steam because everytime I say anything everything goes to hell...so note to self: While I know how to effectively communicate, my delivery apparently blows.

So what does one do or say when everything is a giant mess?  I mean honestly all I try to do is accomodate and fix things and it seems that it does nothing but make everything worse.  I really try not to bitch about everything, but when I actually take a step back I see that's all I do...and with some of it being viable and some of it being stupid, but honestly what do I do?  I try to be understanding about almost everything and I try to let things go because I understand that you have to pick and choose your battles, but where is the line drawn?  Why is it that when someone has to "give" on something it is always me...ok not always, but 98% of the time I find myself having to "give."  It's continually exhausting and I'm finding it's making me even more bitter than I normally am...because honestly I'm the nicest and kindest person in the world, but there's an incredibly mean and bitter person too...and this exasperates that...and I hate it because by nature I'm that lighter side and lately I'm not...so what does one say?  What does one do?

I don't have the answers to everything...nor do I want that, but how do you fix situations where communication seems to be the issue?  I know most problems in life are from a lack of communication, but my issues are the opposite...and I know this is all mumble on a computer screen nd I'm not expecting answers from anyone, but I guess I just have to start venting to something that won't judge me, that won't tell me to ease up ad that won't expect me to back down....this is going to have to be my something that just quietly takes it and then I'm going to have to learn to let go...

You know I haven't posted a damn thing in forever...I rarely do.  I just need to vent some hot air out.

I am so fucking tired of people thinking that money equals happiness.  Money doesnt mean shit...it buys useless junk, neccessities that end up being thrown away and pay for bills.  Money doesnt stick around and in the end you arent taking it with you.  So why is it more important to make money than spend time with your family?  Do you think because you'll buy something for someone it will make everything ok? Do you think you can buy people love? Why do you think people cheat...it's from a lack of time, affection & attention.  They don't give 2 shits how much money you pull in...if you can't even give them time, then they'll find someone else who is willing to give it to them.  So spending more time at work to make more money is what???  Does this look like it's a good thing?  Maybe if it were every once in a while it wouldnt matter, but that's not the case here now is it?  You think making more money is going to make us happier you're dead wrong.  I don't need money to make me happy and neither does my daughter...I'm sorry ou don't like the fact that I called her my daughter and not yours?  Well maybe if you spent time with her rather than wanting to run right off to work she would be yours too...at this point you're nothing more than a sperm donor to her and you're nothing but a pain in my ass at this point...do I love you...yes, but I'm not going to deal with this shit for much longer.  I'm not going to let you be a disposable perosn in either mine or my childs life...I've had enough people like that thanks...I grew up with a dad who was pretty much married to his work his entire life...guess what happend...you hsould know we didn't get along.  Not only was he a douche bag but he was never there either.  Do yo uwant your child to hate you?  Quite being a selfish bastard and pull your head from your ass and realize that money doesnt buy everything.  It certainly wont buy my love or her love.  Get a fucking clue.