Ok, so I felt compelled to write again.  I find this whole option #2 scenario playing outn easier with a support system...and though it pains me to be overly fake nice it is a lot easier than being constantly angry.  So I think I need to keep focusing on the positive if I want things to get better...which I do; whole heartedly.  After talking to a good friend about all this mess I felt better...they see where I'm comming from and they get why I feel the way I do, but rather than just egg me on they offered the same piece of mind I'm trying to come to terms with...if I do all this to make things better and they don't get better than at the end of the day I did put effort into it and I will know that there is no helping the situation get better; at that point it comes out to be out of my control.  The oposite side of that is that I continue to do what I'm doing and things do get better and along the way I find my center again and learn to let things go...which in the past I used to be really good with, but got progressively worse with over the years.  Honestly when it comes down to it I know not to sweat the small things, but it doesnt mean I don't fall victim to that anyways.  I know it takes far more energy to be angry than it is to shirk things off, but at the same time I don't like backing down...and yes I know this is that damn stubborn trait in me.  I did talk with my parents last night too and they agreed, but they also agree that at the end of the day I have to do what's best for me...and sometimes I forget what's best for me.  I just need to keep a common goal in mind and take it one step at a time.

It's funny cause I took sime time to look back at some really old posts and I can see where my faults just shine right on through...I would sware I was and to some extent still am some rambling tortured teenager...which obviously from deep rooted past history I am, but I make a concious decision everyday to be a better person; a stronger person...which sometimes I confuse with being cold and stubborn.  Wriitng evrything down has made me feel better...even though playing fake nice has made me mad a couple times, I feel better about myself...I don't feel so bogged down with the wieght of all these trivial things...don't get me wrong I still have things and 3 days of playing stupid hasnt fixed anything, but if I take it one day at a time and continue to release the energy I thnk as a person I'll get better...even beyond this mess I think no matter what happens I'm on the right path to being stronger for the future...cause I know I can't be like this forever.  So at least today is a pretty good day minus this mornings side note....although that was highly amuaing and doesnt anger me.  I think today I need to make a goal chart for myself...perhaps I'll even post it here...probably not, but just a little something with some attainable goals that I can meet and some that I'm gonna really have to work at.